An April 2003 Journal Entry
I had one of those rare but stunning moments the other day where I just felt flooded by the utter profundity of this world – at the miracle of actually being alive and part of this infinite web we have yet to fully understand.
Every day I lie in my bed in virtual stillness, yet I am also simultaneously spinning with billions of others on a beautiful, blue-green orb within an endless, incomprehensibly massive universe. And, even more miraculous, I am blessed with the human ability to be fully aware of that fact, and to ponder and be in awe at the meaning of it all.
Sometimes, I look out my window at the beauty of the mountains and trees and all the cacti. Or at the birds fighting for food on the feeder we have provided them. Or the bunny rabbits who visit me from time to time, scurrying about or just sitting there in some kind of quiet reflection I don't fully understand. And I think about how all these things are all distinct forms of being-ness. All these things are alive in various forms of consciousness that each differ from mine. And yet, in so many ways, we are the same. We are all alive and experiencing the world through our endlessly unique roles and abilities, and we all have the same basic, inherent needs and desires -- to be nourished, to thrive, and to simply be as we were created to be.
Other times I just lay with my eyes closed in meditation and try to feel this life inside me, as well as this sickness that has taken so much from me. I let myself go to the middle of it and feel the agony of it to the core. And I wonder at the fact that my internal body actually knows what’s wrong with me, yet “I,” my mind, does not. My body somehow knows what has gone astray, and it is desperately trying to fix it for me or to compensate for it in some way. It is failing, of course, but it is indeed trying. How does it know where to begin, or what to even attempt to do? How does it know and function beyond what I myself can comprehend? Every cell of my body seems to carry its own intelligence, independent of what I define as “me.” How extraordinary is that?
In my questioning, I start to marvel at how incredible the human body is. Do healthy people really consider the miracle of their wellness, when so many things could go wrong and yet rarely ever do? Do they understand it, glorify in it, breathe it in every second of every day? Do they dance with joy at their good fortune? Do they know the tremendous gift that they have been blessed with, and do they appreciate it? I mean, REALLY appreciate it, with all their being?
Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with how amazing life is. How every inch of this universe and every breath we all take is filled with endless miracles and wonder. If only we took note of it all more often. If only I had soaked more of it up when I still had the freedom to dance.
